'Cuz I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass...

A WORD OF WARNING: What follows is a scathing - well snarky, really - review of X-Men: The Last Stand. It will contain spoilers so if you have not yet watched the film and want to be 'surprised' (read: horrified), you might want to stop reading.

Within the first few minutes of X-Men: The Last Stand, I realized that I didn't want to be on either side of the mutant war. Okay maybe Wolverine's but that would make it a pair and not really the "team" concept Storm keeps bringing up.
Back in May, Cerebra sent me an email review of the film...I'm so thankful I had that warning, although it turns out it wasn't enough. Since I loved her review and thought it far more amusing then the actual film, I thought I would include most of her review along with a few of my own thoughts. (I don't usually publish other people's emails, but in this case, I don't think she would mind and she really hits the nail on the head.) On second thought, I really have nothing to add. Cerebra hits nearly all of my ajor problems with the film with the exception of the charcter destruction of Rogue and Cyclops, the ridiculous Storm action mode, the death of Picard, and mid-air vamp dusting. So here goes...

Well, I promised you a few months ago that I would "see you in May," meaning, of course, that I would dutifully send you a review of X-Men 3. As the release date approached, I began to formulate certain one-liners that might appear, so certain was I that I knew exactly what was coming: more thinly developed characters, sound-bytes, overblown CGI antics, and even more overblown hystrionics from the leads. In fact, I had intended to have the title of this review be either "Here come the tights," or simply "Hoo, hoo, hoo!"

This is not that review.

Make no mistake, the film contains all of the above in spades, and up until the last thirty minutes I still held to the idea that the film was a logical extension of the first two. And then something horrible happened. Well, two horrible things, actually. The first was the arrival of the single cheesiest moment in the series. The second was that after said moment the film... Well, just imagine getting e. coli at Disneyland. The film takes some really nastily masochistic turns while still keeping the veneer of silliness. It's an altogether horrible experience. Incidentally, if you aren't planning to watch this film and want to know just how masochistic, (or you just want to be prepared), skip to the end of this review.

The cheesy moment, the "Abandon All Hope," at the entrance to Hades deserves some special attention. The team assembles to go out against Magneto. Looking over his comrades, a desperate-looking Bobby Drake exclaims "There's only six of us!" First of all, I might point out that there were only five on the team in the first film, but never mind. In response to Bobby's fears, Logan makes an inspirational speech.

I'll let that last sentence sink in.

Now, if your synapses have begun firing again, let me say that I have
nothing against the inspirational speech in general. Every buddy film has to
have one. I don't even have a problem with Logan making it per se. In fact,a Wolverine-style "inspirational speech" (and the quotation marks are absolutely essential here) could be a truly great moment. Were I writing the
film, it would go something like this....

[Team members assemble in the corridor.]

Bobby (anxiously): There's only six of us.

Logan (after a beat): So?

[When Bobby has no response, Logan saunters off towards the jet. After a few moments, the other team members shrug and follow him.]

Okay, that's not Shakespeare, but I feel that its at least true to the
character. What actually happens is the following....

[Team members assemble in the corridor.]

Bobby (anxiously): There's only six of us.

Logan: Yeah, we're outnumbered. We've lost Scott, we've lost the professor, but....

I won't continue. The point is, a Scott-style speech comes out of Logan's mouth. As my eyes grew wider in horror and I began to understand the works of H. P. Lovecraft in a whole new light, I found my mind wandering towards the theatre doors. Should I try to run, hurtling down the aisle in a desperate attempt at escape? Or, upon reaching the doors would I find that the same ones who had inflicted this first torture would have barred them from the outside? Happily, the speech was a short one, so I didn't get a chance to find out, but then new horrors arose....

Some other observations on this film:

A blue Alan Cumming I can take. A blue Kelsey Grammar is giving me a bit of difficulty.

Harley-Davidson's getting some good publicity out of this franchise. "Mutants ride Harleys, you should too" is a much better slogan than "Mountain Dew: The Beverage of Choice When You're Trapped in an Overturned Ocean Liner." (And that's all I'm going to say on the subject of Poseidon.)

"Jean's powers must have allowed her to shield herself in a telekinetic energy cocoon." (Feel free to read over that line several times. It gets better every time.)

Don't worry too much, that won't be permanent.

Rollin', rollin', keep that convoy rollin', that armored convoy rollin', uh oh....

Don't worry too much, that won't be permanent.

Well, there went the glass coffee-table. Those things never survive fight scenes. I suppose that I should count my blessings that a fruit cart never showed up.

I hereby decree that wheelchairs shall nevermore be used for pathos shots.

Don't worry too much, that won't be permanent.

I hereby decree that ice-skating shall nevermore be used for bonding shots.

Magneto's delivering a terrorist ultimatum over Fox news. I see a potentially great season of '24' here....

"And now they wish to cure us. But I say, 'We are the cure!'" (That line's pretty unbelievable too.)

Odd how Jean, as the most powerful mutant on earth, is spending most of her time just standing in the background.

A standoff at Alcatraz huh? Three things spring immediately to mind. 1) Are they going to encounter Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery battling terrorists? 2) Are they going to encountered Jack LaLane swimming over there pulling a canoe with his teeth? 3) Are they going to encounter a bunch of Native American political activists? (Sadly, the answer is no on all three counts.)

You know, M, Jean could probably just transport everybody over there, you don't have to move the entire bridge.... Well, okay, if that's what you feel like....

And now we've got the requisite "fire vs. ice" battle.

Don't worry too much, that won't be permanent.

Okay, that might be permanent.

All. of. that. stuff. was. permanent?

Man, I guess they really did mean "The Last Stand."

[...]

[.......]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! (breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

How this film ends.... ie, the stuff that's permanent.

Jean kills Scott.
Jean kills the Professor.
Mystique gets de-mutantized.
Magneto gets de-mutantized.
Logan kills Jean.
Rogue de-mutantizes herself.
Ouch.

I couldn't have said it better myself!