For the good times...

On Friday, I posted about the strangest phone call I have ever recieved. At the time, I doubted that any call I could ever get would compare to a request for large amounts of pigs blood. I was wrong...oh so wrong!
Today, I not only got 3 collect calls from an inmate in Consumnes Rivers, but I got the call. Brace yourself...someone called inquiring where they could get mass quantities of pigs eyes. Apparently, importing them from Missouri is no longer cost effective. Honestly, I just went silent for a few moments. I don't think I want to go into work tomorrow.
For those of you hoping for a movie review of Miami Vice, you're in luck. I looks like I will have my scathing - but humorous - look at the film tomorrow...that is if I can keep from giggling to myself!

I said this ain't the way it's supposed to be

Since taking a position as an admin assistant/ reception/ do-whatever -I'm-told, I have taken some strange calls. I had one lady who called and wanted me identify the beetle supposedly trapped in her garage. Another caller's house was being overrun by small frogs and she wanted to be give her a humane solution to the infestation. I mean, I have had some weirdo calls, but today...today I got THE call. A gentleman called inquiring about pigs blood (insert your own clever Carrie comment here __ or if your are a Buffy fan make some sort of vampire with a soul joke here __ ).
At first I figured it was just some punk calling as a joke, but after a couple minutes it was pretty obvious that he actually wanted to find large amounts of pigs blood for some purpose. Part of me really wanted to know, but in the long run I think it is better if I don't. Safer that way...just safer!

Another Bag of Bricks...

I have the nasty habit of not always reading the fine print. Now when it comes to financial matters or warranties I read every single word before signing...but when it comes to those "I Agree" terms that iTunes and various other websites throw at you in order to download a song or proceed with online registration...well most of the time I just agree. I mean, I want the song and if there was anything in there really awful, I would have heard about it already. I'm not that cutting edge!
At this point you might be wondering why I am telling you all of this. I know that sometimes I ramble on without a point, but this isn't one of those times. You see, I am a total devotee to wondrous phenomenon known as Netflix. I only joined a couple of months ago, but since that time, I have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the service even signing up for a similar program that deals in audiobooks. Anyway, a couple of days ago, Know-It-All invited me to become a "Friend". Honestly, wish I had read the fine print. Had I know that I would be allowing her TOTAL access to my queue, ratings, history (you name it...she can see it), I would have thought long and hard about the decision. It isn't just the fact that she has access to my account, but to make matters worse, I can view all of her stuff. It's almost like being on Big Brother: Cinema Edition or some sort of warped hidden camera show. Once you have seen the queue...there I no going back. Luckily I don't have anything too embarrassing at the moment, but it does change how I approach the whole website. Some of Know-It-All's selections, however, I know she wishes I had never seen since I gave her a hard time about it. Oh well…at least this gives us something completely bizarre to discuss rather that Star Trek Voyager. That is something to cling to!!

How do you afford your rock 'n' roll lifestyle?

After letting my mind wander I work, I came to the realization I would make an awesome one woman entourage. I mean I have all of the qualifications. I love to obsess about things. I can be encouraging when I want to be. I love the best things in life, but can’t afford the rock & roll lifestyle on my on. More importantly, I am quite willing to sit back and reap the rewards others earn. Why work hard for something if you can just tag along with successful people? I mean, this would solve so many of my current tribulations…both the personal and financial!
I bring this up only because as I write, ChickLit is on her way to the RWA (Romance Writers of America) conference in Atlanta. If I haven’t already mentioned it, ChickLit – as her name implies – is an aspiring romance writer. You see…I have a large stake in her aspiring career. When she makes it big in the romance book world, which of course she will, I make it big in my everyday life. (Note: she has already sold a number of books/book ideas to Cobblestone, an e-book publisher.)
You might be asking yourself, why do I deserve this? Well, although we have completely different taste in trashy books, I have been wholeheartedly supportive of this endeavor. I have even had a whole conversation concerning mermaid sex. I deserve something fabulous just for that. And for my help (not just in the mermaid matter, but for years of support and friendship), ChickLit has promised me a carriage house on her property along with a pool boy and a stipend (separate from the pool boy). Keep in mind, I’m not sure if we will ever have a pool, but those are details I chose not to think about.
Now before you think me cold and calculating – which I kind of am, but let’s forget that for the moment – I will continue to be the play the role of uber-supportive best friend. But why not pick up some extra free-lance entourage work in the meantime. I’m figuring I have a few years before my ship comes in. So…what’s the issue, you might ask?It sounds like the perfect job for you! The problem, you see, is marketing. How do you find that kind of work? It’s like becoming a film critic or a trophy wife (although I lack the height and boobs for that job): you have to work on skills for years and eventually someone hopefully gives you the opportunity to put all your hard work to use. If only they had personal ads for this kind of thing…

Might as well be walking on the sun!

I tried to think of some cunning metaphor to describe the current temperatures here in good ol’ Sacratomato (one of the many nicknames for the city in which I was born). Unfortunately, since I just saw Clerks II, they all turned out dirty and so I decided to just let it go…believe me…its for the best! To add insult to injury, the family manor (3 bed/2 bath chunk of suburban paradise) lost all electricity for a couple hours yesterday afternoon. To say the least…I was miserable…considerably pitiful sitting with a washrag on my neck!
But onto more important, world-altering matters…the premiere of Clerks II. Oh yes my fellow Kevin-Smith-View-Askewniverse-loving-comrades, it is the movie we have dreamed of…Yes the film is vulgar…extremely reprehensible and not for the faint of heart, but honestly it is one of the most heartwarming films I have seen as of late. Oh how I love hetero life-partner love in these flick. Everyone is back, including a drug free Jay and Silent Bob along with some new additions that I hope find their way into future films.
I don’t want to ruin anything, but say I now have to figure out how to add “It's ok, I'm taking it back.” to my everyday conversation. Absurd and priceless…simply priceless!!

Taste the salt and taste the pain...

Every once in a while, I have a mental breakdown. In varying degrees, I think everyone does. It is part of being human. Although I had several during grad school, the last major kaput-fest (a new term I just created…we’ll see if it catches on!!) a couple of years ago at a screening of Cold Mountain. These kaput-fests (sorry I couldn’t think of another word and I’m kind of in love with this one) are not serious enough to require additional ‘professional’ help – unless you consider endless P & P viewings and pots of soothing tea additional or professional…at this point, they are just part of ordinary life. I mean, who doesn’t find watching Mr. Darcy – ‘cuz the man, like Mr. Big, is just better as a last name - and Lizzie fall in love over and over therapeutic. Although, come to think of it, this could also be a problem since this further confirms my desire to fall in love in a movie…so much more interesting!
Anyway, that is the reason for the recent hiatus. I probably should have put up a brief message to warn people, but lets face it…my haphazard and indiscriminate ramblings are not that vitally important to daily life. I don’t mean that as a self-depreciating declaration to garner sympathy or pity…it is just the plain and simple truth.
But I am back now…even though I most likely have lost all of my 3 readers. To be honest, you might even see the break as a blessing. You were spared my most recent dead cow/sheep stories. However, I will take a moment and assert that I now hate the heat for both personal (I hate being sticky) and non-personal reasons…and that is something my friends.

P.S. The cartoon is in Dutch and roughly translates as “Well, we will collapse therefore…” I will leave the others for you to translate if you so desire. I of course am that anal, but I know others aren’t!!

Is it getting better or do you feel the same?

It has recently come to my attention that perhaps life doesn’t reach the pinnacles of wonder and ecstasy that I once associated with adulthood. The real tragedy is that I apparently I spent the supposed “best years of my life” in high school fantasying about a reality that only exists on either the big or small screens and in trashy novels. I didn’t enjoy high school at all and figured that once I reached a mature age all would fall into place. It now seems that the “best years of my life” will actually be the sadistic grad school years…just think about that for a moment. Don’t get me wrong, I meant some life-long friends up at Western, but constant concerns about money and the idiotic nature of academia – not to mention 6 quarters of TAing hell – somewhat marred the overall experience.
I think Dante Hicks sums it up best in Clerks while debating which Star Wars film hat the better ending: Empire or Jedi. “Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.” Now I understand this is not the perfect quote, but it sums up my current thinking. I don’t mean to be such a downer, but at the moment, I just can’t find much to be pleased about. I know this will pass, but at the moment I want to be a little melodramatic…it is the emotional state I am living at this moment. For some reason, I can’t seem to find a happy medium in life. Apparently, I aspire to live in a world that doesn’t exist. Sure I could choose to try and change the world, but at the end of the day, despite my claims to the opposite, I am quite apathetic.
So, I think I will simply retreat back into the comforting mirage of a self-fabricated reality I have built up over the years. Hey has anyone seen the Film 4 advert with Judi Dench dressed as a lobster and Ewan McGregor as a tomato? Or the fanvid of Alanis Morisette’s “Univited” featuring clips from the new P & P? I'm addicted to YouTube. See…the world is already righting itself already…

Hail to the Chief!!

Well, I know which ticket I'm voting for President come 2008: Stewart/Colbert. Just think about it...Like most intelligent people, I get a good smattering of my news from watching The Daily Show. (Come on...you have to admit it is a bit more reliable than FOX and at least he makes fun of absolutely everyone!) No one does hard hitting or insightful segments and interviews like the Comedy Central gang. Besides, I think they get the best of the free interns...I mean that is plus right there!!
Anyway, while bored out of my mind at work today, I started watching clips of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report over on YouTube and noticed a number of webites completed devoted to the Stewart/Colbert platform. Quite honestly...so far it seems like the good choice!! At least we would have an articulate leader that used a good portion of his brain and could see the 'big picture'. But don't take my word on it...check out some of the sites. It is quite amazing!!
Guerrilla News Network Article
Jon Stewart for President
Colbert/Stewart 2008

And he might fulfill that prophecy...

I may be back...but I'm not all here. I think I lost a bit of my brain somewhere along the way, but honestly...how could anyone tell. So...since I have nothing better to ponder at the moment - I'm saving my ponderings on upcoming films to correspond with the launching of the website I am creating with Cerebra - I thought I would provide amusing videos! You see...now you don't even have to read!! (Well...you did have to read up to this point, but still a far cry from my normal blog entries!) So, in honor of upcoming release of Clerks II, I present a couple of funny Star Wars videos courtesy of Google Video and Robot Chicken!!
Star Wars Spoilers (:30)
Vader Calls the Emperor Collect (2:31)

I can't be with you!

This one is for you ChickLit...and you know why!!
(Oh how I love little inside jokes...and since I don't have a book dedication coming out...this will have to do!!)

Two car seats and a minivan...

This one goes out to FemeNazi...and you know why!
Personally I love that fact she is looking at something other than the guy and smiling!! Oh how we use men!!

And I had a maid doing all of the housework...not me!!

Well to be honest...I don't really clean. (Just ask anyone who ever came over to my apartment.) Instead, hire a middle-aged man from Alabama. They do excellent work!

We're living in delicious sin...

Of course, I also love the literary ones in my trashy romance novels!