Cuz, I want to drive the Zamboni...

So, it appears I am one step closer to achieving my plan to marry an Olympic athlete (preferably not from one of the really stud sports that require only the youth of a generation like snowboarding or bobsledding.). You see, I concocted a plan during the past winter Olympics. I have no real desire to watch the games themselves – yes, I know I am highly un-American and will never reach Stephen Colbert’s classification of ‘Megamerican’- but the games do visit come pretty interesting places I wouldn’t mind visiting. Come on…I could so skip most of the actual athletic events, just doing the tourist thing as much as possible. Up until now I had no clue how to get my foot in the door, but that might all change.
You see, FemeNazi might be going on a blind date with one of the Alaska Aces – a pro hockey team based in Anchorage. Of course, this meant we spent a good hour on the phone last night discussing both the gentleman in question and his very questionable team mates. Anyway, the guy is kind of Neanderthal looking (come on…just look at demonic pose he has in the pic), which doesn’t really come as a surprise but is somewhat amusing if you think about FemeNazi dating a hockey player. (Although he is not completely inarticulate…in one interview he talked about how the “puck comes off your stick”…I don’t need to tell you where my mind went.) Ah, what fascinating conversation they will have…FemeNazi – who knows nothing about hockey - talking about Foucault while HockeyGod discusses his latest goals – actual ones not the existential ones. (Excuse me…I need to go and laugh hysterically for a moment!! Meanwhile, I would like to take a moment and encourage everyone to visit the Alaska Aces Roster page since some of the players take really unfortunate photos. Also, keep in mind that all of these guys are barely 20…man do I feel old.)
But back to my plan…so you see in order to meet my Olympic spouse, first FemeNazi hooks up with the HockeyGod. Then she convinces him to try out for the Olympic team. Barely making the cut, but winning over the coaches with his ‘love of the game’ and the amount of heart he puts into his game, HockeyGod will get the last spot on the squad. (Eventually this will inspire a Lifetime made-for-tv film entitled “Passion on the Ice” or something just as cheesy in which I will be played by Kiwi Melanie Lynskey since as the best friend, I will have a small bit role!!) Anyway, FemeNazi will invite me to go to the Olympics as her guest. At some official Olympic gather, my eyes will lock with some stranger thus proving that trashy novel plots can happen in real life. (Of course, this story will be the plot of a Lifetime made-for-tv-sequel this time starring Melanie Lynskey.)
So…there is the plan in its entirety. I think it will fall into place quite nicely, but then again…this is all contigent on the guy calling FemeNazi, but other than that, I think it is pretty foolproof. Although I could be wrong…I often am!!

Guilty of dreaming of you...

Like something out of Amelie, lately, I have been receiving antagonistic postcards from Mikey. Unfortunately for the sender, the postcards are postmarked “Anchorage, AK”, but no matter. According to the notes, it seems that Mikey didn’t die as believed, but instead simply left me to travel the country in some Kerouac fashion with some hot chick he picked up.
Although I chose to believe he died – I simply can’t fathom that after 3 years together he would simply run off with some hussy – the postcards do bring up an interesting point. What if Mikey, like a cylon, simply decided it was time to go and downloaded into a new model? I’m not sure that would be better, but still it is fun to get the postcards even if it proves that I have watched far too much sci-fi!!

And he'd ride down on a great white horse...

Well, now that the week of mourning is over, I can return to blogging about absolutely trivial and inconsequential topics that for some reason or another I find captivating. (I have been getting come conspicuous postcards from Mikey, but I will explain that later.) Last week, FemeNazi sent me my very own knight. Unfortunately, he didn’t ride up on a trusty steed, but USPS vehicles are white, so there is something. All in all, Sir Sigimor Boltof – the current working name – is one of the coolest things I have ever seen…a magnetic cut-out knight that you can dress in several different outfits.
The magnetic clothes punched out well enough, although I am still at a loss as to where one of the pieces of armor goes. How sad is that? I am being out smarted by a toy with a choking warning. It is at times like this, I do wonder about the American education system and how I ever got through it with such flying colors. Does make one pause…
Anyway, at the moment, Sir Sigimor is hanging out on the only cookie tray that is actually magnetic. I never realized what a bummer it is not to have your own refrigerator. My parents just don’t get the same joy out of him as I do. Ah well…at least I have one man in my life that I can control and won’t leave me. It’s a start!!

That I should rise and you should not...

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
- Isaac Asimov

Before I begin, I must note that in my attempt to write a serious eulogy for my deceased computer, I might have digressed into overly-dramatic-verging-on-comedic territory. It appears that even when I attempt to write something without overt sarcasm or humor, I still achieve something as funny if not simply bizarre. I thought it wise to take Shakespeare’s advice in Macbeth and convey my grief and loss through words (“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.”) I might have been wrong. No matter what, this is my attempt to overcome the loss of a valued and near constant companion - as ridiculous as that may sound.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Computer, Robots, Electrical Appliances.....
I remember it well: my first glimpse of the desktop named Mikey; plastic wrapped and secured with Styrofoam in a cow-print box. I remember Mikey always got the front seat on road-trips and got to spend the night in whatever hotel room I had. No matter where I lived at the moment, Mikey always occupied a table or counter at some prominent position. For nearly 18 months, Mikey was the only device I owned that played DVDs. I don’t need to explain how important that was.

Working until the very last moment, Mikey always gave his all. Although 3 years is an eternity in such a technologically forward society, Mikey stayed spry. He was far too young to die. Perhaps because he always gave his all, we forget his young age. Never balking at the late hours I spent working or the fact that I constantly procrastinated on whatever assignments I currently had, Mikey toiled unrelentingly. Although in reality he may not have been exactly distinctive to others, Mikey was unique to me and I will not forget all of those long hours of collaboration.

In the end, though, I realize that no matter how much I wish it didn’t happen, Mikey no longer remembers anything. As Thomas Mann, wrote “A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own.” So it is with a heavy heart that I begin the training of Apollo and try to pick up the pieces of my broken technological life; I’m sure it is what Mikey, living it up in whatever afterlife computers enjoy, would want me to do. But for just a moment, if you can, please join me in raising one final glass to the memory of such a beloved comrade.

Through the storm we reach the shore...

I had hoped to have another guest memorial entry for the Week of Mourning, but unfortunately, the couple of people I asked to contribute, all have asked to extensions. This pretty much leaves me with little to nothing for today since I planned to publish my own eulogy tomorrow.
So…instead of trying to write something funny or touching, I have decided to simply call for a moment of silence. Of course since this is self-regulated, I will have no way of knowing whether or not anyone is actually bored enough to do this, but still it seems like a nice gesture. I originally tried to think of a song dedication, but U2's "With or Without You" seemed a bit dramatic and I couldn't really think of anything else.
Sure, I have probably gone a bit far with the whole mourning of Mikey, but in many ways, that computer stood as a unyielding reminder of my 3 years of grad school like nothing else…the good, bad, and ugly. With the wiping of the hard drive, I lost not only a plethora of personal files, but also almost every paper I wrote in grad school. I doubt I would ever have looked at them again, but still it is the fact that I can’t access them anymore that is rough. Oh the possibility…at the moment just feel permafracked! I’m sure that Apollo – by this I mean both my new computer and the character on BSG - will soon make me forget that I ever owned a computer before and I will soldier on like nothing ever occurred.

Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone...

To continue the ‘Week of Mourning’ for Mikey, ChickLit has contributed the following:

Ode to the 'Puter
I would like to dedicate the following haiku to a beloved friend lost so tragically this past Good Friday (which really turned into a Bad Friday. As in the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Friday). Yes, we lost Mikey-the-puter so suddenly that we may be left wondering why he was taken from us. Understand that it is not our place to question such things. He's in the hands of a higher power now and we must accept his passing graciously (by booting the monitor across the room) and reverently, (by curb-stomping the external hard drive that was supposed to save us from such a catastrophe) knowing that he has gone on to better things and now grazes in greener pastures (er…or whatever 'Puters call heaven) where there are no electrical surges, viruses, or sudden memory loss. Amen.

Mikey the 'Puter
Full to the brim with iTunes
Is now dead and gone

Grief brings much anger
Motherboard overboard
Drop-kick the damn mouse

Farewell to Mikey
So fair and so beloved
Apollo replaced you

I put your picture away...

FemeNazi emailed me this picture as soon as she heard the news. While it may not be the most flattering picture of me, it is actually the last photo of Mikey, my old computer. Although I must confess that in fact, it may also be the only pic of Mikey. Anyway, not only does it foreshadow the coming doom and death of Mikey, it even gives a timeline: “This Summer”. (Look closely at the black text at the bottom of the poster above my head.)Unfortunately, the prophecy predicted the coming ‘death’ a season off. Go figure!?!?!?
I spent most of last night trying to get my new computer, Apollo, to act more like Mikey, but so far, it is proving a slow process. Much like training pets and men, it is pretty much an uphill battle at the moment. I can’t really complain though, since I only spent a couple of days computerless (Getting back on the horse and all that). Unfortunately, I am finally beginning to comprehend the amount of word documents I lost and the fact that I probably won’t be able to recreate everything. Perhaps in the end, this will prove to be a positive event…a chance to move onward into a new cyberland of my own creation. I take comfort in that line from the underappreciated Elizabethtown: All forward motion counts. And iff that one does fit, I can always fall back on another line in that film…just dial HELL and I'll answer!

Goodbye...easier said than done...

Originally, I planned a retrospective look at the classic 1986 film Highlander (yeah I couldn’t believe it is that old either). Although there can only be one, I recently watched the 10th Anniversary edition and discovered a big difference between Highlander and the Highlander I remember. Anyhoo…all that got completely discarded when my computer crashed on Good Friday. Ironically, I was in the process of backing up the whole system when it died. Unfortunately, the hard drive got completely wiped which basically means I lost everything including photos, iTunes, and of course all of my grad school papers including a minimal part of my thesis. Luckily, I had most of my thesis info backed up.
One of my computer profs at Western once made the joke that nobody's ever been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they always wish they were dead! On Friday, I would have completely agreed. I have recovered a bit, but it will take quite a while before I am back to whatever is considered ‘normal’ these days. This experience, however, has revealed how dependent and connected I get to my computers. It almost feels like I lost a member of my family…and not just any relative, but one I actually like.
The loss of Mikey – I know it is a bit creepy, but by dad named the computer – hit me hard…harder than I ever would have imagined. All in all, I came to the realization that for better or worse, I have begun to see my computer as more of a companion than simply a machine. Therefore, I have decided to devote all of this week to the untimely death of my former computer as well as introducing all of my readers – all 4 of you – to my new computer Apollo. I will publish the eulogy for Mikey on Friday and both ChickLit and FemeNazi might also contribute their thoughts on this poignant and heartrending event.

That's why I fell for the leader of the pack...

I don’t go for the typical bad boy. It might happen now and then, but for the most part, when it comes to my ranking of fav characters in books or the small/big screen I always gravitate towards the likable sidekick with a sense of humor. Although Angel had the looks, Xander had the jokes! Oh and lord knows Alan Tudyk was the only reason I made it through the whole season of Firefly.
For this reason, I find my growing affection for Weevil on Veronica Mars fascinating. Played superbly by Francis Capra – the great-grandson of the guy who directed It’s a Wonderful Life – the deposed leader of the PCH motorcycle gang (yeah I know it is corny, but I kinda like them on the show) is more than just the obligatory muscle of the show…he actually has a somewhat developed personality. On the surface, Weevil is a stereotypical badass; leader of the motorcycle gang, lots of tattoos, loves his grandmother…but there seems to be quite a bit more. He has been absent quite a bit of the season, especially after a coup that overthrew his leadership of the PCH motorcycle gang. However, last week’s ep brought him back in full force, finally dealing with the death of his best mate Felix. What I love is the fact unlike so many other badasses Weevil is willing to express his love – purely platonic - for his fallen comrade, practically yelling at one point “No. I LOVED him!” and showing a softer side that doesn’t make him seem vulnerable at all. He is not afraid to kill, but he is not a harden executioner. Instead, in some respects his actions seem to be more along the lines of justice. Although Francis Capra can play a pretty good heartless convict as well. Just watch the third ep of The OC entitled “The Gamble” if you don’t believe me. You’ll see what I mean.
I also love his friendship with Veronica. There is a level of respect between the two of them. He steps in and protects her at times and not just for quid-pro-quo reasons. I sure hope that if a third season of VM does make it on the new CW network, Weevil won’t get left behind or even worse…changed! There is nothing I hate more than when my favorite characters get new personalities between seasons!

When you put your arms around me...

I finally sat down and watched Mad Hot Ballroom last night. Hey...better late than never. Anyway, I sat absolutely mesmerized for the entire film, which if you know me is quite a phenomenon. Even on films I love, I'm usually doing something else at the same time. But man, elementary school children ballroom dancing is something that can't be missed.
The film not only featured ballroom dancing, but also the philosophical thoughts of pre-teen kids...kids stuck in the precarious not-quite-a-teenager-but-not-a-child-anymore. Topics of discussion ranged from girl/boy dynamics and future spouses to classroom politics. Although I enjoyed the side conversations, I have to say that Wilson, a little boy who didn't really say anything at all since he knew little English, was my favorite. He had the biggest blue/green eyes and boy could he dance. I sure hope he has the opprotunity to stick with it.
All in all, this is a film to be seen by everyone. Sure it has it manipulative uplifting moments, but at the end of the day...sometimes it is nice just to feel good and at least dream that we have a hope for the future. No many films do that anymore...

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for...

I’m not the biggest fan of internet quizzes, although I have done my fair share of them to simply take up time during the long and often boring work day. However, FemeNazi found a pretty nifty one concerning religion. The Belief-O-Matic actually asks interesting questions and allows you to rate the importance of the question itself. How intriguing? But what I found even more interesting was the actual results, a percentage breakdown of 27 religious faiths. Two faiths actually tied for 100%: Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants – not really a shocker – and Orthodox Quaker – what the…huh?!?!?! I didn’t even know that there were Orthodox Quakers. I guess you really do learn something new everyday! I also found it interesting that Catholicism and Seventh Day Adventists had such a high percentage while Sikhism and Hunduism both had over 50% rating. Who knew?
Just for the fun of it, I have included the entire list even though I am not familiar with several of the faiths. If any of you readers actually take the quiz, I’d be interested in the results.

1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestant – 100%
2. Orthodox Quaker – 100%
3. Seventh Day Adventist – 92%
4. Mainline to Conservative
Christian/Protestant – 88%
5. Eastern Orthodox – 82%
6. Roman Catholic – 82%
7. Liberal Quakers – 75%
8. Unitarian Universalism – 65%
9. Reform Judaism – 58%
10. Sikhism – 58%
11. Orthodox Judaism – 55%
12. Hinduism – 53%
13. Bahá’í Faith – 50%
14. Neo-Pagan – 45%
15. Church of Jesus Christ Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) – 43%
16. Islam – 41%
17. Secular Humanism – 35%
18. Mahayana Buddhism – 35%
19. New Age – 35%
20. Theravada Buddhism – 35%
21. Jehovah’s Witness – 32%
22. Taoism – 30%
23. Scientology – 29%
24. Christian Science – 28%
25. Nontheist – 24%
26. Jainism – 24%
27. New Thought - 21%

Happy Birthday to You...

As I suspected all along, I am not really a party-planning person. This fact is really not a surprise. I am pretty sure if you asked most of my friends, each would start laughing hysterically when asked if I had Martha Stewart party skills. I mean I respect the woman for going to prision when most businessmen go out of their way to try and not own up to their transgressions. But this neither here nor there.
You might be wondering...what is going on (kinda like that Talking Heads' song)?!?!?!? Well, my grandmother turns 80 next month and so my mother and I are planning a surprise birthday party as well as a more intimate family BBQ. However, I seem to be the only one doing anything at the moment. I got all the addresses, I wrote the invitation letters, I stuffed envelopes, I addressed all the envelopes, I created the RSVP postcards, and I even figured out how the cater the thing. Now sure my mom is going to be making most of the desserts, but still...a little help now would be appreciated!! I spend a good portion of time at work stuffing envelopes for organizational newsletters. I really don't want to also stuff at home while watching Prison Break. I can't concentrate completely on Wentworth Miller and if I can't do that...what's the point!

And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even...

Bad news... ChickLit informed me today that Robert Jordan, author of my beloved - even if the last couple of books sucked - Wheel of Time fantasy series, has unfortunately been diagnosed with a rare blood disease called amyloidosis. According to Jordan,

"Untreated, it would eventually make my heart unable to function any longer and I would have a median life expectancy of one year from diagnosis. Fortunately, I am set up for treatment, which expands my median life expectancy to four years...In any case, I intend to live considerably longer than that...I sat down and figured out how long it would take me to write all of the books I currently have in mind, without adding anything new and without trying rush anything. The figure I came up with was thirty years. Now, I'm fifty-seven, so anyone my age hoping for another thirty years is asking for a fair bit, but I don't care. That is my minimum goal. I am going to finish those books, all of them, and that is that."

Although I am deeply saddened by this news and I hope that Mr. Jordan keep on kicking, I can't help but feel a bit selfish and fear that I will never get a conclusion for the WOT series. I know it seems a bit rude, but I have spent a decade - nearly half my life - devoted to this series and I just can't image never knowing how it ends. Well there is that fear and the whole Tolkien syndrome in which the author's offspring attempts to satisfy readers with his sub-par storytelling. I don't know if Robert Jordan has any children, but I am sure some obscure nephew will take it upon themselves to finish what was started. Oh the horror...the horror. Perhaps he can just outline the ending for us all...just in case. Hey you can't criticize me for at least hoping!!

Like a fly on a wall...

Well, it turns out that ants enjoy constant rain and an overly-saturated ground as much as I enjoy visiting quilt shops with my mother - a task I might add that actually ranks on my "Ordinary Task That I Hate" List. Anyway, I bring this up only because I awoke this morning to find my parents battling an army of ants in the kitchen. Luckily, the invading insect militia made a b-line for the sink - ironically full of water - and stayed away from any of the cupboards or food-stuff in general. Almost makes you feel bad for their horrible death by RAID…almost.
Anyway, the whole debacle reminded me of that Simpson's ep in which Homer travels to space in the new NASA publicity program. Due to his lack of experience at being weightless, he crashes into an ant farm on board, releasing all of its inhabitants into the space shuttle just as Ken Brockman begins a televised interview. (I might add that the ep also features a singing James Taylor, but that is neither here nor there.) The live feed in the shuttle gets cut just as the viewer see a giant ant heading toward the camera leading Brockman to consider that the spacecraft has been conquered “by a master race of giant space ants.” My favorite part, though, is a bit later when Brockman concludes that:

"One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to...toil in their underground sugar caves."

Although I doubt that a colony of ants in the kitchen is part of a larger insect army sent to bring about an apocalypse, I do wonder that if the weather doesn’t clear up soon if I will be seeing more and more in the house. Fortunately, killing insects/spiders isn’t on the "Ordinary Task That I Hate" List. There is something at least!

I talk about silly things...

In disturbing news - that will most likely amuse those who know me well - I discovered today that sometime in the 6 weeks or so I have been working in agriculture - and by working I mean answering the phone and sending sheep vaccines by UPS - I learned not only the name of the 4 major swine breeds, but also can somewhat distinguish between different pigs. How the heck did this happen?!?!?! I would hate to think that I am beginning to weaken on my barnyard animal stance; I mean if that one goes...what's next? Perhaps if I had tried to learn this information, I wouldn't be so bothered by the fact that I now know it. (By the way, the breeds - in no particular order are: Duroc, Hampshire, Yorkshire, and Landrace.)
I think I could handle this all better if I hadn't picked up all sorts of sheep and lamb facts as well. I am turning into a regular Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and how scary is that one...I know I feel like examining all of my life choices, although the job pays well and for the most part I only have one boss at a time. Besides if I don't send the BlueTongue vaccine (strains #10, #11, and # 17 I might add), who will? Could I really live with all of that sheep sickness on my conscience? Well, probably, but why lose a paycheck in the process?!?!?!

Like coming off the pills that you take to stay happy...

FINALLY!!! I have made it back to the movie theatre...paid an arm and a leg and I'm pretty sure that I will have give up my first-born child, but, at least this time it was worth it. I LOVED Inside Man. I know what you are thinking, it has Clive Owen in it...of course she found the film enjoyable besides she also liked Doom. But honestly, this film kicked ass!!! I don't want to ruin anything, so I will stop talking about it...at least for now. Who knows about tomorrow!?!?!?
This weekend I also found a new way to experience home videos...watching a synchronized DVD while on the phone with a friend. ChickLit finally broke down and bought P & P. Of course I had been telling her to buy it since it came out. Although it sounds a bit bizarre...it is actually loads of fun and quite old school!!!