I said rock...whats a matter with you rock?

In an attempt to get out a bit more with people, on Sunday I called up a good friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a couple of years. She (I haven't thought of a nickname yet) is one of those great friends that you don't see in a years and yet within 5 minutes it seems like you have never been apart. I love friends like that. Anyway, we decided to go out to a movie and then have dinner at a new local brewery. For some unknown reason we chose to go and endure Miami Vice. The following is a review of the film. If you are planning on seeing the film, DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW!!! That is why the pic is not in it's normal position. This review contains spoilers and let's face it...a whole lot of criticism. Okay...you have been warned. I shall now proceed with the scathing evaluation.

"When in doubt…make 'em laugh." Honestly, that seems to be the mantra Michael Mann kept repeating to himself while writing and filming Miami Vice. If not...perhaps that is what he should tell people. I laughed so hard, I cried...and cried so hard had no mascara left when the credits began to roll. I'm talking some serious laughter! The movie wasn't just horrifyingly bad...it was beyond all description. But of course I will try!
I begin with the lack of chemistry between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. I mean not even a mole (aren't you proud I remember a term from high school chemistry) and in a buddy action flick...that is an essential. Apparently the two leads didn't get along and man does it show!!
In addition to that (or because of it), the film seemed to have an even-steven element to it highlighted by a sexual parody of Annie Get Your Gun's hit number "Anything you can do, I can do better". Foxx has a shower scene and then a sex scene...Farrell has a sex scene and then a shower scene. Farrell gets an extra sex scene and some really boring dancing sequences (don't ask me how you make multiple, as in more than one, salsa dancing scenes tedious, but it appears that Michael Mann found a way!). But don't despair, for Foxx's 'woman' gets to live through the entire flick – miraculously waking up from a coma no less - so he can be seen as the caring, loving guy we never really see in other parts of the film.
Now, I could have easily dealt with some of the superfluous sex scenes – see my review of Underworld: Evolution – if the plot was served in some way or the acting built toward something. Instead we have scene after scene of blank expressions. Blank stares on a super-fast boat, vacant expressions on a dock, in a plane, and during a shoot out.
Oh...and don’t get me started on the idiotic dialogue. Here's a sample (I'm not making this up folks):
Farrell/Foxx stare vacantly ahead.
Evil Columbian Druglord Lieutenant Guy: "She's my woman now. We watch movies together and go out to dinner."
Foxx turns vacantly to Farrell while Farrell stares ahead...now a bit peeved looking...like this could be of some consequence, but nothing too critical and given a bit of time should go away on its own.
Now, I could have forgiven more if the plot made sense and developed in a logical manner. By the end of the film, multiple strings are left hanging including the supposed FBI leak that started this whole disaster of an undercover mission in the first place. After 2 and a half hours, I deserved some closure even if it was as stupid and insipid as the last Matrix movie.
Oh and how could I forget the final showdown, a live action shoot clearly inspired by the Where's Waldo books. Instead of big crowds of people, we get to watch evil snipers - that may or not be part of some Aryan Brotherhood (hey I'm not even sure how they fit into the flick, but Tony Curran played one of the gang and so I could forgive that lack of plot explanation) - hiding under heat masking burlap sacks. (I'm assuming they were heat masking since it took the good guys forever and a day to find them! Then get this...the good guy snipers don't even use silencers so the bad guys know their snipers have been shot down and thus the big shoot out!
Halfway through the flick, my friend whispered that she hoped the credits would start rolling soon, therefore saving the rest of the flick for a sequel we simply wouldn't see. We weren't that lucky...we still had an hour and a half to go. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.
Well, I could go on forever, but I really should wrap this up. Before I go, I should point out the good: I liked the music overall - especially the Nina Simone remix - and Colin Farrell pulled off the sweaty mustache look. Oh and I don't think the film has ruined Naomie Harris (honestly if Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story didn't, nothing will) or Li Gong for me. I simply will forget they were in the flick and move on with my life. As for the other actors, well, Tony Curran only had a couple minutes of screen time and I never really like Jamie Foxx or Colin Farrell in the first place. At least that is what I will tell myself until my horror subsides. Perhaps eventually I will be able to simply separate sober Colin Farrell from drunk, promiscuous, and licentious Colin Farrell. I mean, he does pick some interesting roles and I don't mind the accent. It would be a shame if this movie ruined all of that Irish potential in my cinema universe. Alas, only time will tell...